Pink Peach Diary #2

PINK PEACH DIARY

Tuesday 22 February 2011 - 9.37 pm

My current situation could only be best exampled with the accounting theory i am currently studying for tomorrow's test.

my time spent on passing by his house is getting from periodic to perpetual habit. Not exactly attractive.

Skip that. New skill acquired - patience and poise.

Come to think, what's more attractive than a woman with patience and poise rather than oversensitivity and anger. I'm amanda and i'm a patient and poise.

wish me luck for accounting yawl ! *paws*

Untitled #1

here's a cluster of glittery dreams, fueled by the charms of evergreen;

a reluctant heart pumped by damn morphine, says goodbye to forever grim.

high up in the sky an eaglet sears, circling mid-air to see if Luck is near,

in the cacophony of emotions I hold most dear, contaminated tears struck heart in fear;

Relationships VS Time.

There are a few fundamental rules I have been following religiously for the past few months. There’s no 100% guarantee on how effective this is, but I am pretty sure its close to a 99% . so what are the rules I am dying to share about? Trust me on this, and its not one of those anti-acne advertising, ollla, I’m talking about the basics rules of life when dealing with relationship-particularly, when being in a position where u’re uncertain of your relationship.

Not everyone is blessed with the sparks and glitter and fireworks passion and fire being in a relationship- at least not in my case. For the past 10 months, my love life have been put to a test- which sooner I realize it wasn’t my love life that was put into test, it was me, myself.

So, this is a rather long-winded scenario of how I came out with it- or you can just opt to skip this and go straight to my priority list.

It just started when one day, I was terribly upset when my fling couldn’t make it on time (for the 10^th time or more) to meet me up- hey he’s just living next door. And so, I spent hours contemplating and bombarded with images of him cheating around or nonchalant of my existence.  My imagination insecurities when put together , it could form a cumulonimbus cloud.

every single expectation i had, seem to be put to a disappointment. so how do i avoid further disappointment after so many confrontation?

And then, an awful feeling struck, I realize, I have been spending weeks and so, and wandering my mind off my work wallowing in dubious thoughts when all I needed was a confrontation.

I have been studying consistently, my priorities are in tact – but at that moment, I felt intense guilt over time wasted on that matter.

Worse, despite the guilt, I still couldn’t comfort my thoughts and lay my priorities again.

The time that I spent wasting on these thought would have been much more worth to be spent on harnessing my accounts and calculus studies that will surely promise a positive benefit in comparision to hours spent on a man.

In relationships of uncertainties, I realize I need to come out with a form of solution. By making incremental change with consistency, i believe it can make a difference. this is a little exercise to building up resistance from distraction.

Rule 1 : list out practical and achievable priorities in life in a notebook.

Rule 2 : keep referring to your priorities and spend 10 minutes a daily thinking of what you can improve about yourself- never waste time on people who could potentially hurt your feelings. Stick to your closest friend and family =)

Rules 3 : carry out your priorities.

Rule 4 : like oxygen, breathe and live according to these 4 fundamental rules.

I realize ever since I’ve ruled out this method. I deal with procastination lesser. Given months ago, I would have opt to dwell in my emotions/insecurities and probably gone to bangsar and spend 3 hours complaining to my best friend so much, it has become a die-hard habit instead of moving on a be productive.

Lastly, have fun!

With love, me !

PINK PEACH DIARY

I've decided since i've have my own written diary, why not i share it with you all. so here it goes written by yours truly *flicks hair in glittered background*

Monday 21 February

2.oo am- doing accounts although was supposed to meet him to watch "The Notebook" at 10 FUCKING PM. no calls no nothing as promised. fuck .he's definitely on my Death Note list.

7.30 am-woke up at  and decided to sleep for another 1.2 hour before 8.30 class.

received text from Michelle saying she saw a girl ( she better be fat and fugly) coming out of his room.

my mind went berserk

!#!@$@#$@#%#$%#$#^%$ !!! !#!@#!!!

calmly pick up a solution like a poised lady and decided to investigate on that instead of jumping to conclusions - thanks to CCTV camera in my apartment ;)

YOU would say, we're not in a relationship, thus we both can cheat. WELL, I don't give a flying FUCK.

10.30am - had breakfast at Chillax after telling Michelle and Nicole about my swell idea - which they both find rather unnecessary, anyway yes. i'm doing it.

10.45am - In Chillax Cafe and the first page it flipped on Cleo(Nov 2009 issue 169) was an article titled " Is it time to dump him".
xx. me.

Time

Anything just anything to turn it back and start all over again.

This is how i will start if i were to write my own love story!

drowning in a dried up well,

a walk in heaven where angels dwell;

for better or worse, i couldn't tell,

this is a story where in love i fell.

Things I feel like talking but can't seem to get it out.

On this silent street, lies a house once filled with warmth, happiness and joy.A house that echoed with the laughter of children in the afternoon, and quibbles at night. And it drifted away just like that.

10 years ago, the exact description seemed to fit perfectly into my life. A life without worrying of tomorrow, when I can sleep, play and enjoy myself in my own realm.

A life that I am contented with, without the need of internet or materials. That was me, 10 years ago. Feed me with good amount of food, bring me out to shopping malls, and short trips to grandma house. Sitting in the back of car, popping my head up behind the window as I passed by roads that I became familiarized with is somewhere in the back of my mind vividly clear.

I told myself to work hard from then onwards, to strive harder in life for profitable returns in order to repay the kindness/warmth and care that I once received unconditionally.

Although I was never rich, I prided myself for getting nicer/better things in life. I was clothed with KIKILALA or LADYBIRD, with sport shoes that I reckoned is the "Nike" for my age. I was happy just like that.

I didn't demand much as a 10 year old kid. I had my troubled times, but I hold firm to my own belief that as long as I get over this, better things will come my way. I moved on into different chapters of my life, encountering people as I go along that I called best friends, archenemies, or friends that I could confide in.

Things changed, weather changed, people changed. Despite all the hardships that I've been through, I never once told anyone about the bitter part of my life. I was that strong.

But then, God decided to put me into a test I can no longer handle. My strength can no longer be the impenetrable shield that could block myself from everything. Everything has weakness. I feel my willingness to move on had stopped, I no longer hope for tomorrow,I wished the time can just stop now.

The essence of life is not there anymore. The one I hoped to see in the future, that I can take care of is a question with no answer. My happiness fled in that instant moment.

The vision I had 10 years ago now, is nothing but a void of emptiness filled with sorrow, sadness and bitterness that slowly crept into me.

What's left in me?

What's left to hope for? Can there really be future from this point? cause I can't see anymore and i don't wish to see.

Appreciate. The clock is ticking.

Scribbles #14

Sometimes I think my heart is made of ice,

it is so heavy and yet so light;

it is so cold, and yet it's the perfect conductor of heat.

Sometimes I think my heart is made of ice,

only the ones who are not afraid of my coldness, could hold it without letting go.

Sometimes I think my heart is made of ice,

'cause it is destined to melt, or to shatter into a million pieces.

Back In The Days

If there was an era I wish I could go back in time to, it would be the 1970-80's, back when my mum and her 5 siblings were in their teens/ young adult years.

PS: I used to live nearby here :)

The stories of their youth lit a candle in my young heart; of how they hold parties every Saturday night, strumming the guitar in the back alley of my childhood home, picnics by the rivers whenever possible.

In the rustic town of Ipoh, it used to be alight with youths and happening people in general. I've seen pictures of the same streets then and now, and I have no words to describe the vast difference - it's almost like one's in a totally different part of the world. Where the streets are now dodgy and dark, it used to be lively and full of life. Food stalls everywhere, busy bustling roads of people and trishaw, chitter chatter of young and old folks alike filled the town with live.

Back in those days, no one would've been able to comprehend the existence such as an iPhone, a PSP or a computer. Owning a simple radio is already considered a sign of wealth, even more so if one has a refrigerator. Yet they live a happy sociable life, unlike us whose souls are bound by the dark forces of technology.

The spend their days in school, hanging out with a bunch of friends after, caroling down the streets, whistling at passing handsome boys or pretty girls, singing to beautiful music with a guitar in one hand and a friend in the other, skipping rocks by the banks and dancing the night away.

We may have a lot of networks and virtual friend on Facebook and Myspace, but really, how many among our hundreds of friends are truly for real? 

Smile

I love that feeling bubbling in me when I make someone smile! Especially when they come up to you and say"Thank you for brightening up my day"!

C:

So there was this one day in Uni, I was feeling super cheeky. I spotted a classmate of mine who was deep in her own thoughts. I placed my index finger near her cheek and called her name. She turned around, and her cheek was poked by my finger.

She was shocked at first, while I was grinning at her. Slowly, her look of surprise turned into a smile, then we were both giggling till tears came out.

It was, as I said, just a moment of cheekiness on my part.

Two weeks later, she came up to me in Uni, and told me that she was actually depressed over something for quite some time. But that small mischief on my part gave her a reason to smile again. And then she hugged me.

I wanted to tell her that I was the one who should be feeling grateful, because I never knew I could play such a role for someone. But I was near tears myself, so I just held her close.

So. Yea. Story of my life.

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. ~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Choices

Life; it's all about making choices. I often wonder how things would've turned out had I taken the other road. But really, what's the point in looking backwards and fill yourself with tiny uncalled for regrets?

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths"

- Walt Disney

The Half Empty Cup

The Half Empty Cup

This is the story of a girl. No, she did not cry a river and drowned the whole world. It is not that kind of story.

She was not the most beautiful girl in town or a princess of some faraway land. She cannot sing the birds off the tree, or dance more gracefully than a swan. Neither had she skin as white as snow nor long locks of blonde silky to the touch.

That makes her pretty uninteresting, no? So why are we talking about her?

Well, that's because it's my story. The story of how a girl's half empty cup became filled.

lol it's so cliche but if i'm ever gonna write a book I hope it'll begin like this C:

Scribbles #13

If I am to become a fictional character one day, I would definitely choose Alice from "Alice in Wonderland".

I admire her courage, for being brave enough to venture around Wonderland alone;

never be terrified at the sights of curiously inexplicably scenes.

I also admire her creativity, for being bold enough to imagine such a fantastic world,

where the impossibilities become possible.

But I think I admire her luck the most; when her world seems like crumbling down on her,

she could just sweep off the leaves off her skirt and wake up from a bad dream.

One day, if I were Alice, I would have so much to say to people.

"My name is Alice", I would tell them, "now watch me fall".

Scribbles #12

the reason i don't read "eat pray love", i thought all along, is because i despise elizabeth's selfishness of wanting her own happiness to the extent of putting everyone else's happiness behind hers.

she could throw everything she has, put the responsibilities away, run away from life just to find her inner self and love. all along i thought it was a cowardice act.

but then i realised, maybe the reason i really dislike it, is because i am jealous of her audacity she has.

her bravery to give up everything she has and search for what she does not.

her courage to search for her own happiness,

when i don't even dare to speak up.

i mean, it's not that i don't deserve happiness, it's just that i don't deserve you.